That you cry but you don't tell anyone
by the lights of paris
Summary: She stared at her reflection, tears welling in her eyes. Her hands skimming down her bare stomach and over the curve of her hips. Her eyes narrow down as she inspects every single flaw. "Your welcome, B. I'm always here for you, you know that right? I love you." Serena & Blair. Always and Forever. ONESHOT.


**Title: **That you cry but you don't tell anyone.

**Summary: **She stared at her reflection, tears welling in her eyes. Her hands skimming down her bare stomach and over the curve of her hips. Her eyes narrow down as she inspects every single flaw. "Your welcome, B. I'm always here for you, you know that right? I love you." Serena & Blair. Always and Forever. ONESHOT.

**Authors Note:** OK, so I may or may not have any updates with any other stories for a while and I really wanted to write this. It's Serena & Blair, always and forever because they are the real OTP of Gossip Girl. My first ever songfic, I _detest_ songfics. OK, maybe not detest but I usually skim over the words because I find them boring a lot of the time _but_ there are certain songs that inspire oneshots, chapters, stories and I decided to use one. The song is Tied Together With A Smile by Taylor Swift and it is seriously one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking songs in the universe and I love it to death, it also fits perfectly, or so I think.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, all rights go to their respective authors.

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She stared at her reflection, tears welling in her eyes. Her hands skimming down her bare stomach and over the curve of her hips. Her eyes narrow down as she inspects every single flaw. She can't even begin to name all of them, her hands skim further down to her thighs, she flinches as she feels them, as she sees them in the mirror. They should be thinner, they shouldn't be as bulky. They shouldn't be as _fat_. The very word makes her feel sick to her flabby stomach, her hands find their way back up to her stomach. Her hands skim lightly over the top of her stomach and then it gets to much for her. She tears her hands away from her skin and she tears her eyes away from the mirror. She's disgusting, it's no wonder why Nate lusts over Serena instead of her.

_ Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty  
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you  
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty  
But that's not true, cause I know you_

Blair finds her dress on the floor and steps into, pulling it up to her shoulders and zipping it at the back. She then strides into the bathroom and locks the door behind her, she turns on the faucet and kneels down in front of the toilet. She closes her eyes, she doesn't want to do it but she has too. She needs to be _thin, thin, thin!_ She sticks her finger down her throat and lets the tears spill out over her face. She retches into the bowl, she stays still for a few seconds before getting up and washing her hands, washing her face, brushing her teeth. She smiles back at her reflection, there isn't a single trace to find of her previous actions. Her face is clear and shining, her eyes aren't glossed over, her smile is bright. She looks _happy._ She nods her head and exits the bathroom, returning back to the dining room where three other families are seated. She takes her seat next to Nate and shoots a smile over towards Serena, who's sitting opposite her.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone_

She picks up her fork and digs into her food, she's careful not to shove her mouth with food. Her mother eyeing her every move like a hawk. Nate's hand finds hers and he encloses them together, their fingers interlocking. She smiles up at him, it's only a faint smile. Not one out-bursting with happiness like she wants, she just can't seem too muster up the courage to give it to him. She needs all the energy she has to get through this dinner. She brushes her brown curls out of her face and goes back to eating or more correctly, pushing the food on her plate around. All around her the table makes small talk, Bart Bass is talking about his latest hotel, Eleanor is going on and on about how her fashion line is doing, Lily's talking about her new found love, Anne's talking about the latest society scandal, Harold's whining about this new case and the Captain is talking all about Nate's future. As usual. The four children, Blair, Nate, Serena and Chuck are silent. They shoot each other secret looks and they pass notes discretely but they don't dare to utter a word. Except for Chuck, he'll engage in conversation with the adults, shooting a lewd comment around here and there and angering his father. Blair hasn't taken part in any note passing or secret looks and she doesn't plan too. She stabs her fork into a piece of pumpkin and shoves it into her mouth, feeling guilty as she chews it.

_I guess it's true that love was all you wanted  
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change  
Hoping it will end up in his pocket  
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain  
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay  
Not his price to pay_

Nate's rubbing soothing circles against Blair's palm as he laughs at some childish joke Serena's made. A fake laugh escapes Blair's own, nobody comments on how she never laughs at stupid things Serena says. Nate takes his eyes of Serena and instead focus's in on Blair, he's whispering to her and only her and for a moment she feels special, she feels loved and maybe Nate doesn't love Serena. Maybe he loves her, maybe he wants her but then Serena goes and says something that makes Nate turn his eyes away from Blair while she's in the middle of a sentence and instead focus on Serena. Her hand goes limp in Nate's hand and she removes it from his, he doesn't even notice. She mutters an excuse to get away from the table and walks to her room, steadily and slowly. She can feel the tears in her eyes but she mustn't shed them. She's far to weak already, she's already cried once today. She wipes them away when she reaches her bedroom, she runs into her bathroom, flinging the door closed. She doesn't bother locking it, or turning the tap on. Nobody cares about her anyway, they aren't going to come and find her vomiting up all the food she's eaten for the past hour and a half which is a lot more then she should of but they do, she hears a gasp from the doorway and she reluctantly looks up. Sheer horror flashes through Serena's eyes and Blair feels guilty, she lamely wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. A hand flies up to Serena's mouth and in a moment, the blonde is on the floor, her arms wrapped around Blair. She's stroking her hair and mumbles encouraging words into Blair's ear. Blair nods along and lets the taller girl take care of her, Blair needs _this_. Somebody to act like they care, like they love her.

"Oh B," Serena whispers, holding Blair closer and hugging her tighter. She places a string of kisses on top of her head and shakes her head, tears slipping from her own eyes because she had, had no idea that Blair was doing this to herself and she should of known, she should of noticed. She had just thought her excessive need to use the bathroom had to do with her new diet, the same diet that had been making her shed a ton of weight, the same diet she wouldn't give to Serena. _"You're already too skinny_._" _Blair had claimed and Serena had retorted with a _"So are you,"_ Which had earned her a funny look from Blair.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone._

Serena slowly lifts herself from up off of the floor and grabs Blair's hand, dragging her upwards. Blair complies with out a single complaint, she doesn't even speak. Not a single remark about _anything_, which leads Serena to believe that something is very, very wrong. Serena pulls back the covers on Blair's bed and lets the brunette crawl under the covers. Serena slides in next to her and she pulls the covers up so it reaches Blair's chin, Serena scoots lower down so that the two best friends are level with each other. Both girls let their lids grow heavy and Serena doesn't bother asking Blair what she was doing or more importantly why. She would ask her all the questions she needs the answers to in the morning, for now she would give her the night to rest, to cry, to sleep. Blair whimpers next to her and Serena throws an arm around her and brings her in closer.

"It'll be alright, B. We'll get through this, _together_." And Blair believes it, if only or a moment and the fact that Serena wants to help her means the world to her because this past year and a half she has felt so alone, so lost. Blair lets sleep over take her and she falls into a deep, dark, slumber and for the first time she feels alright even though she knows nothing will be okay.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone._

"S," Blair calls out, it's the middle of the night. Nobody's bothered to come and fetch the two girls, Serena murmers what sounds a lot like a yes and Blair takes a deep breath, "I love you," She tells her and a faint smile appears on the blonde lips, "And thank you." Blair whispers.

"Your welcome, B. I'm always here for you, you know that right? I love you too." Serena rambles, she's half-asleep and half of what she's saying doesn't make a lot of sense, not right now but it would in the morning. For now Blair was just thankful to have her secret out in the open and to have somebody there with her that _cared_ or at least acted like she cared. Blair didn't care which at the moment even if she should because it's not like Blair not to care, she quickly sent all thoughts away about what had happened tonight and snuggled closer into Serena. This is all she needed, her best friend by her side.

_You're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone oh  
Goodbye, baby  
With a smile, baby, baby._


End file.
